Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Some "Ballpark" Humor

And now for something completely different. 
I've been listening to baseball lately—first, the Divisional Series, then the Championship Series, and now the World Series. Since we don't have cable television on board, we listen to ball games on the radio. Last night I was wondering what life would be like with color commentary...
And so, today's post:

Bob: Welcome listeners, it’s a beautiful day here in Frank’s office and we’ll be broadcasting live here all day, so we hope you’ll stay tuned in to our live, on the spot coverage of Frank versus The Manuscript.

Mike: And here comes Frank out for some warm-ups right now…He’s looking confident in his home colors—the traditional blue sweatpants and concert T-shirt—strolling out to the bookshelves to shag a few early ideas and try to build inspiration.

Bob: Frank was warming up in the field a while ago, before we went live, and let me tell you, his defense was looking spectacular. He had some snappy rationalizations, a few reasonable excuses, and a quick, spirited line of attack—you know what they say about the best defense being a good offense!

Mike: And speaking of offense, Bob, he’s stepping up to the computer right now…He settles into the writer’s seat with his trademark wiggle, and immediately goes into his stance. You wouldn’t think he had that long weekend off, the way his fingers hover over the keys.

Bob: He takes the first idea all the way. Never flinches.

Mike: Yeah, he’s obviously waiting for just the right—

Bob: And he hits that first line deep—that’s definitely deep, and with today’s conditions, it could lead to something very profound. Oh, yeah, that paragraph's easily profound, if not quite philosophical. What a start to the day!

Mike: A quick adjustment of his flannels and a tug of his cap and he’s back into his stance, fingers hovering, eyes on the page, once again waiting for that perfect—and he types! It looked good, but by the second sentence it’s starting to drop down into prosaic…Yeah, that has a definite whiff of cliche.

Bob: Whiff? Mike, that reeks cliche. But—as you know from the stats—his second paragraphs have always been a bit hackneyed.

Mike: Yeah, Bob, especially when revising, his first paragraphs have always scored much higher than his second.

Bob: And historically, his on-base percentage falls off as soon as he starts feeling the pressure from having produced some tired prose. He just loses concentration.

Mike: I wouldn’t be surprised if he reaches for the coffee now, Bob.

Bob: That’s his go-to move in this position, Mike.

Mike: Not that it’ll help him, according to our numbers.

Bob: And there he goes—he’s out of his seat and heading for the kitchen.

Mike: Time for us to take a moment for station identification…

I hope you enjoyed my take on sports radio commentary. 
Keep writing, and...
hasta pronto!


  1. Laughing out loud right now. I had no idea the home uniform was so universal...

  2. Very clever. I can just see you sitting down and getting to work.


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